Posted by: jo | November 10, 2009

What shall I make them, secure or strong?!

…I know the answer is both.

But, what I mean is the situation when the heart says (and the kids also want) to make them feel secure and the brain says let them be on their own and become strong. Many times I listen to my brain and end up seeing my kids’ sulky face as if they are thinking, “Instead of saying those words, can’t you hug me and pamper me! You don’t love me!…” Yes, mom’s heart can feel things to any extent.

A few days back, in the night time, Aru didn’t want to go to bed alone…

Aru (apprehensively): I don’t want to go to bed alone.

Me: Why?

Aru: I am feeling scared!

Me (exasperated): But everyday you sleep alone, then why are you scared today?!

Aru: I am scared everyday!

Me: For so many days you went off to sleep being scared?! Did anything happen?

Aru: No

Me: Then why are you scared? Alright, what are you scared about?

Aru: Monster will come.

Me: And do you think if Papa or Mamma are there, they will be of any help? Can we do anything if the monster comes?

Aru (smugly): I feel safe with you!!

I didn’t know how to react to this. I was rather shocked as I was not expecting her to say that. My heart said hug her and put her to sleep, but as always I listened to my brain. So finally we agreed that she can go to sleep with lights on (she is scared of her night lamp as well). I did that but I was not happy. Next day, at night time, I stayed next to her till she was very sleepy. Yes, mom’s  heart can do things to any extent and ruin things. 🙂

I guess, I need to look for a good book on this topic. Any suggestions?



  1. good question! The search for the correct answer is on!

  2. calvin N hobbes – There are monsters under my bed (or something like that)

  3. Hi
    a good question….but rarely answered correctly….just like each child is diff…each parenting style is unique… Sajit always says never give them fish, teach them fishing. but that is his style….

  4. I have always felt that children who have a secured childhood do not suffer from any complex and turn out to be strong and confident later in their life. In your case….I would have also done the same thing except that what you did second day, I would have done on first day…….Next day I would have left the room after lovingly assuring her that Mamma is always with her and she has nothing to be afraid of. She can call if she feels scared…..Children need help to fight out their fears. Praneel (who is 3yrs now) was very scared of dark and was not ready to enter any room without lights on even if sufficient light was coming from adjoining rooms. What I did was, I stood at the entrance of the room and made him go inside. As he was going inside he kept looking behind if Mamma was standing there or not. I kept talking to him to make him feel secured. This I did for few days, slowly moving away with each passing day. Two days back he was looking for his slippers and bedroom light was off. I quietly waited for his response. He went inside fetched his slippers and came out….not a single word or cry!!! I said – but there was no light inside the room!!!. His response was- Its ok…”kabhi kabhi aise bhi ja sakte hain. Dikhayi de raha tha!!! ……I heaved a sigh of relief. I think the idea is not to make them dependent on us……but to assure them that we are always with them in case they need help and then let them explore the world on their own.

    Sorry…..the comment turned out to be a long one. But this topic is close to me as I keep facing similar situation now and then.

  5. I think that if the heart is examined by the head analytically as you did, and THEN you go with the heart you can’t be wrong 🙂

  6. It is a difficult one. And one quote i read somewhere which i thinks suits here is Independence does not mean neglect..

  7. Check out this link…

    • thanks Ro! I’m going to buy them 🙂

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